Flavored Snapple Antioxidant Power Waters Under-Amaze Foodie

Water, water, everywhere, including from the tap, but Americans choose to buy it in both big and little plastic bottles--or wrestle home the 5 gallon jugs from the water store ( my choice thus far,) or install filtered gizmos at the kitchen sink, or pour tap water into those Brita pitchers...or.....

Now, yes, flavored water has been around a while--and I'm not talking about the Cokes and the Dr Peppers and all those hideously uber-sweetened fizzy things that once were merely made with sugar and now are all corn syrup all the time--the drinks that made Americans Great, and I mean, like, Huge.
No--I am tiptoeing into the topic of , maybe, specialty waters?

A pr person emailed to ask if I would try some Snapple Antioxidant Waters and comment about them on this blog. Sure, I said. They arrived. I tried a half glass of chilled Agave Melon, subtitled "The Power to Restore."  Then I sipped Raspberry Acerola--"The Power to Defy."  Wow. The literary context of these drinks is formidable, maybe to provide the breakfast reading we once enjoyed on the back of cereal boxes, before we shifted to bulk grains in clear bags, who knows?

Ok, so--the restorative one is presumably for use after working out. The defiant one is aimed at keeping me, ( me?) "young at heart." Oy. Even worse, it "wants to keep my mind spry." And it contains a heckuva lot more "protective anti-oxidants" than the Agave Melon.

The taste? Like very diluted regular sweet juice. Curiously flat. Reminiscent of the watered-down  juice  we gave our kids back in the day, after realizing they were getting crazed on the full-fledged liquid.

The waters arrived in a box containing absolutely zero product info. Dutifully, I went on the Internets and enjoyed an amazing fantasy website put up by the Snapple people--a plane flying over lovely landmasses and such, but the hard facts were elusive. In fact, when I clicked on "Real Facts," the first thing I learned was that a goldfish's attention span was three seconds. Now this did not surprise me, given that my childhood fish, Joe, swam around ALONE in the same bowl for 12 years until being flushed down the toilet by my mom. He was dead at the time. ( In later years, I became fairly certain that numerous "Joes" had entered and exited that bowl during my happy childhood. )

Note to Snapple: wha???

But I digress.

Finally, driven by the need to be a responsible recipient of free drinks, I looked at the labels of these not really waters.  Modified corn starch???  And Epigallocatechin Gallate. ( Among many other ingredients.) OMG!  I'm off to have a slug of a real health drink, Cabernet Sauvignon.

Good luck, Snapple. Thanks for the Nutrient Enhanced Water Beverages you sent me. Full disclosure: a friend of mine walked off with the Mango one, and the other one, whatever it was.

Comments

[Joshua Delcore]

I guess I should just stick to tap or bottled water. I don't really think there is much of a need to buy anything "fancy"...natural is the best in my opinion :)

[Rose]

Of course I did read the whole thing. Just worried for a moment.

[Foodie]

Read the whole thing, Rose!

[Rose]

Me again. Read only your headline partially and started worrying. Had you fallen for the water- mafia? Flavored Snapple Antioxidant Power Waters indeed. Have stopped buying bottled water entirely- too much plastic garbage ( we have to pay for the plastic bags used for collecting the recyclable plastic.) I am drinking unfiltered ( filter mafia ) tap water. Considering the controls I should be safe. And the antibiotics, medicines, pesticides in the waters are not filtered out in the commercial waters either.